Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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