Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
