Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
