i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
