how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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