If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize