dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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