you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
