If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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