This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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