once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
