his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
