Already got asked if we're dating
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
