I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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