I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize