I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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