I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
