I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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