and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
