I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
