Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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