Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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