Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
