how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
