piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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