Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
