It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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