It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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