smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
