Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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