My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize