Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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