Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
