Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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