I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
