I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
