he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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