If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
