morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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