gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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