i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize