i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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