I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
