i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
