I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
