i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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