best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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