The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
