Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
