I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
