i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
