I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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