i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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