I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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