I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
be right there i have to get my cape
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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