im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize