you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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