I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize