Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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